I can't begin to explain the number of times I have asked those questions inthe past two weeks. It's funny how God can feel so not there when He's got His arms wrapped tightly around you... Anyone feel me on this? Anyone? Okay so you know how crazy God can get sometimes with His word and leaving you in a state of like "Oh Wow." or "What the?"(Don't hate okay. I have alot of those moments. I mean alot.) Currently, I feel abandoned and alone. I know I'm in the arms of God yet why am I still searching out for Him? I'm confused and scared of things that feel like a dream now but are still very real to me. I feel like friends and family friends have given up on me. I hate that Satan knows my weakness and is using it against me so heavily that I can't breathe. To sit in silence is a painful thing to me(because we all know how much I love to talk;) It amazes me how the lyrics of a song could speak volumes to me. It amazes me even more to know that God knew the moment I needed to hear those lyrics. It tore me apart because I knew in that moment... He knew. Even though He felt so far away... He knew. Every emotion, every tear, every word. He knew... I can't tell you how many times I have said the words "I don't understand this"... because I don't... I don't understand the feeling of abandonment or why my mom has to suffer through something she doesn't deserve... and I most certainly do not understand the feelings inside me right now. Preparing for this mission trip is the hardest thing I've had to do because it means letting go of so much that I want to hold on to forever... As hard as it is to admit I like to feel in control and God is ripping that away from me. I have to leave people that I don't want to leave. And though I know this is gonna change me completely I'm still terrified...

So I'm asking if you can hear me.

I'm crying out for life.

Change me, Make me whole again.

My Savior, My God.

Send me on a mission.

That will change the world for You.

I need you Lord, refine me,

Let your light shine through.

As I lie here in the darkness

Pain piercing through my heart

Whisper to me gently;

"Child, I know just where you are."

Wrap me in your arms again

Make me feel brand new.

and I will listen as you say to me;

" I will never leave you."